Services and Counseling

Some Thoughts on Feeling “Conflicted”

“Conflicted?” In little and big ways, we all deal with conflict inside of ourselves
on a daily basis. Most of the time, because of the way our subconscious works,
we resolve the conflict without even being aware of its existence. For instance,
there is an impulse to say something that we immediately recognize to be
inappropriate, hurtful or even dangerous, and therefore we dismiss the thought.

Instead, we choose silence, or a differentline to stand in, or we redirect our thoughts to the list of vegetables needed for the soup we are about to make. But on other occasions, the conflict seems to possess us, “My religion teaches me one thing but my experience teaches me another.”  “I promised to be faithful to my spouse but now sense I’m abandoning myself.”  “I crave my family’s approval but the real me is never really seen, so much less approved. “ “My job is secure, but this secure position is killing me.”

Most inner conflict pits one alternative against another without the possibility of creative resolution. Sometimes, the conflicts just can’t be resolved. More often, it may be that possible resolutions are not apparent or if a particular resolution is chosen, the conflicted person takes responsibility for the anticipated reactions of others. The terror of other people’s potential response is intolerable.

What is interesting is that the conflicted person feels at the same time powerless to make a choice and yet behaves, by not acting, as if his or her choice will control the fate of those who respond to the resolution chosen. This amounts to an unspoken exchange – the person’s powerlessness in exchange for others’ power to control him or her.

And, from a spiritual perspective, it is particularly interesting that the most devout folks, who admit that there is one sovereign God, often keep themselves from acting for fear that choosing resolution to their particular issues would mean for others “the end of the world.”

Perhaps a sign of faith, in the face of families and religious systems requiring that everyone conform to the “system,” would be to make one’s own choices in good conscience and let God take care of the system and its response. That’s not an invitation to behave without concern for others or selfishly, but it is an invitation to integrate one’s adult experience with an adult faith, and in so doing, invite others to address their own inner conflicts and live more
creative and integrated lives.